A Woman Should Have.... What????

I got this in the ol' email bag. I generally detest the sappy crap. There may be that one in a gazillion to which I can relate. The rest make me want to cry. They really do. Cry in frustration for being on the receiving end of The Sappy Email.

Just for kicks, I'm throwing this one in with comments.....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A set of screwdrivers,
(I have a screwdriver. He sleeps with me every night.)
A cordless drill,
(Why the hell do you need a screwdriver if you have a cordless drill??
That's why men laugh when reading this sappy crap.)
A black lace bra.
(As if I could find one in my size *without* underwire. Just gouge me
with the damn screwdriver.)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
One friend who always makes her laugh,
(I had one of those. She got tired of me laughing at her.)
And one who lets her cry.
(It's hard to find one of those. They're all too busy crying
because they have a nighttime screwdriver and a black lacy bra with
with underwire.)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by
anyone else in her family.
(I'm allowed to buy NEW furniture???? What would I
do with all the dog/cat hair and homeless fleas?)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
Eight matching plates,
wine glasses with stems, and
a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.
(Have you ever known only *8* people to show up when
offered free food and liquor?? Also, as a side note, I don't
think wine goes well with Hamburger Helper Stroganoff.)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A feeling of control over her destiny.
(When the PMS hits, I have control over everything.
I am THE QUEEN!")

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love without losing herself.
(Like that's possible. Just wait until the kids come along.
You won't even have directions much less a memory of
who you were the day before.)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to quit a job,
(Quit?? Fired for taking too much time with sick kids and husband is more like it.)
Break up with a lover and
(Change phone number/email address.)
confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
(Oh puleezzzeee, if said friend can't handle it, said friend
ain't a friend. Find a new one. That way you don't have
any confrontation with old friend.)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
When to try harder and
(That would be when a man isn't around to take the lid off the pickle jar.)
when to walk away.
(When the man is around to take the lid off the pickle jar.)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That she can't change the length of her calves,
(the cows aren't fond of the Rack.)
the width of her hips, or
(oh yes, it can change too.... it's called CHILDBIRTH.)
the nature of her parents.
(Moving to the opposite coast and having an unlisted phone number helps.)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That her childhood may not have been perfect, but
its over.
(Clue: The man and his children who live with you.
See "falling in love and losing yourself" above.)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she would and
wouldn't do for love or more.
(That falls under picking up his nasty underwear, your butt hitting the cold toilet water because the seat was left up and childbirth.)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to live alone
even if she doesn't like it.
(Ahhh, the dream....)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Whom she can trust,
whom she can't, and
why she shouldn't take it personally.
(At that time of month, EVERYTHING IS PERSONAL and
NOBODY is to be trusted!)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table,
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing.
(OR her own dark closet, locked in with all the chocolate she can eat
and all the wine she can drink in 5 minutes or less
before the family gets home.)

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish
In a day,
A month,
And a year.
(It's hard to keep track of time in this nicely padded room. They won't give me a clock.)

~*~

I do love my husband and my children without question. It's my sanity that's in question.

~*~